A stranger replies

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Finding myself lost in a Central American jungle after having been
brutally dumped and then having a boa constrictor drop out of a tree and onto my back. While I'm being swallowed alive, the last thing I hear is a skil saw cutting through sheet metal.

Or, and this is based on a dream I recently had, dating Gary Coleman and trying very hard to feel like I'm in love with him while we're sitting on a couch with my parents.


Where would you like to live?

Where the sheets smell of pumpkin and the shelves are lined with fresh hay. Or Mongolia. Or maybe Copenhagen. Or Iowa City, Iowa. Or how about in a teeny-tiny invisible capsule that I could fly around in, spying on people all over the world -- that would be cool, wouldn't it?


What is your idea of earthly happiness?

True and unconditional love. Free beer. Swimming in lakes and rivers at night. A warm bed.


To what faults do you feel most indulgent?

This one is hard to answer, as once I feel indulgent, those things no longer seem like faults.


Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?

There's a character in a George Saunders short story entitled "The
Falls." His name is Morse. And bear with me, but here is the initial
description of him:

"Morse was tall and thin and gray and sepulchral as a church about to be condemned. His pants were too short, and his face periodically broke into a tense, involuntary grin that quickly receded, as if he had just suffered a sharp pain. At work he was known to punctuate his conversations with brief wild laughs and gusts of inchoate enthusiasm and subsequent embarrassment, expressed by a sudden plunging of the hands into his pockets, after which he would yank his hands out of his pockets, too ashamed of his own shame to stand there merely grimacing for even an instant longer."

So this guy is unsure of himself and indecisive. But by the end of the story he makes this incredibly heroic, doomed decision. So him.
Also Humbert Humbert & Hazel Motes.


Who are your favorite characters in history?

A.A. Milne, Christopher Milne, Saul, MLK, the poor guy who accidentally cut down the oldest ironwood tree in North America, Cabeza de Vaca.


Who are your favorite heroines in real life?

Freddy Mercury, Martha Stewart, Valerie Solanas, Lydia Davis.


Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?

Mrs. Dalloway, Julie Hecht's narrator in _Do The Windows Open_ (who strongly favors the author, I understand), Judith Fellowes, Martha (_Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?_).


Your favorite painter?

Chuck Close.


Your favorite musician?

Will Oldham.


The quality you most admire in a man?

Fecklessness & talent. I like men who say really smart things but who aren't aware that they're smart. Gentleness. Bravery. Modesty.


The quality you most admire in a woman?

Wit, interests & skills beyond what might be considered "feminine"
stuff. Open-mindedness. Likes to kick it with the ladies just as much as with the mens. Modesty. Loyalty.


Your favorite virtue?

Compassion. And the ability to swear a lot without offending anyone.


Your favorite occupation?

Reading, writing, eating meals, watching a really good movie & then
talking about it afterwards, listening to music.


Who would you have liked to be?

Me, only incredibly wealthy and able to boss everyone around.